Why AND What???

I am all alone again… My younger sister hangs out with her friends and I don’t know what to do with no money, with no friends, with no special boyfriend. Holiday is come over again. Everybody will busy with their life. Looking with their needs, enjoy with their life with all stuff they have, and I am sitting here still looking what I’m gonna do after this. I want to cry, but with no reason. I don’t know what is going on with me..? What happened to me?? I keep asking to myself what I want. What I need?? What I am looking for?? But I never get the answer. I am bored with these questions!! But I can’t ignore it!! It’s always in my mind… I am the lonely gal with nothing!! What I am supposed to do?? I'm very sick with this style of life!! I cannot be alone!! I can’t!!! I need friends, I need someone beside me!!! I need accompany… I really do!! I don’t want to feel this way!! I am sick!!! What is going on with me?? I’m sick watch the television all day, all nights... I feel very bored and lonely!!! I'm turning to 26 and I want something new in my life, something different and what is that?? How to be that??? I cannot be alone!! I don’t want to be a desperate woman!! Luckily I'm studying… i make myself busy with assignment even i dont have one, classes, but now its holiday!! I don’t know what to do… I cannot ignore what inside deep in my heart needs…I want my life back!!! My cheerful life, my great friends, is this my punishment of what I was did last time?? I am blank!!! Maybe I miss someone, someone I used to love and to be loved, but when I looked it back the man who not responsible what his doing, turn me on to be stronger, ambitious and feel forgiveness even though my agony never ends until my last breath. But now, he came back!!! Not to continuing our relationship, but for doing some MLM. I remembered his last sms to me... “I will not attach with you anymore!!” and nowadays why he almost everyday sms me? just because of his own significance?? Just because for his own MLM business?? God sake, he knows that I still love him… still hope we back together even though I know it’s really impossible… and what he try to do?? And I don’t know what is going on, don’t know what I am gonna do, but with no idea, I met him. He still the same with silent, talk when important things, secretive person, and still using the same shirt and sandals that I gave to him. Damn!! I love him very much!! And I pretend that I had somebody but deep inside my heart I still need him n still love him. I pretend in front of him that I accepted that our ended relationship, accepted he dumb me, accepted he has a new girlfriend, even I don’t know whether it true or not, accepted what he done to me and pretended that I already throw away my feelings towards him… Shit!! I am lying to myself!!! And maybe killing myself!!! DAMMMNNN!!!!!